I was the fat kid, a little awkward and somewhat shy...a fairly easy target. I backed down from confrontation and insulated myself from social barbs in the ways I knew. There was a lot going on at school and behind the scenes. At times, I wasn't sure things would, or even could, get better.
But they did.
Once I got to college, I found a place where I was just me. I was still fat, but I was me, first. I made lifelong friends, and I found my voice.
Now, most of my high school classmates are all connected on Facebook. Many of us have seen each other socially, and we have all grown into adults of whom we can be proud. There is no animosity (that I can tell) and we are happy to reconnect as adults.
I received a message recently, from a high school acquaintance, who wrote to apologize to me for being a bystander when we were in high school. She said that she saw what was happening to me and she wished she had the courage to stop it. She said she is now raising her own children not to be bystanders. And that she would kick in the teeth of my bullies if it happened today. This message meant more than she will ever know for three reasons.
First, it warmed my heart that she took time to reach out to me in this way. Second, it means so much that, despite what happened then, she noticed me in a time when I felt mostly invisible to everyone, except my bullies. And third, she is raising her own children to be tolerant and empathetic. This can be a lifesaver to someone else in crisis.
Bullies can be relentless and it's scary to put yourself in a physically and socially risky situation to help another. I don't fault her for this. In fact, I let her know that she had no reason to apologize. As I told her in my reply. I am living proof that it gets better. Because it does.
I learned a long time ago that forgiveness is not so much about the person who did you wrong, but more about the peace that comes when you let it go.
This is not to say that you forget what happened. All it means is that when you forgive, you release yourself from the wrongdoing. And you can find peace.
I have long forgiven those who hurt me in school. I have been so richly blessed in my life since then. Going to college where I did saved my life. It gave me hope that I could create the life that I wanted. I made some amazing friends...lifelong friends. And I found the voice I needed to advocate for myself and my dreams.
And it keeps getting better.
I am blessed to have the opportunity to get together with this old new friend later this week. I can't wait to give her a hug and let her know that I think she is an amazing woman and mother and friend. How lucky we are to reconnect.
Have you ever reconnected with long-lost friends? Or reconnected with a friend with whom your relationship was bruised or damaged?
What are your thoughts on forgiveness?
It's good to hear that you got that message, and she is raising her kids to not be bystanders. Great post!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kimberly. :-)
DeleteOne of our pastors did a sermon on forgiveness a few months ago. He said that forgiving someone doesn't mean you forget. That's unrealistic and impossible. But you have to be willing not to keep bringing it up. And sometimes you'll have to forgive that person over and over, because the hurt and anger may return. It was such an encouragement for me to hear that.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for what you went through, but I'm so happy that woman reached out to you.
Thank you, Suheiry. Your pastor hit the nail on the head. So many people associate forgiveness with forgetting and it's not always that simple. I was really happy that she reached out as well. Thanks, again.
DeleteI wrote a post on my blog about forgiveness recently titled "Forgiveness is the F Word." In general, I think forgiveness is an overused word that the mean use to prey on the victims. With high school classmates though, it is a little different - especially if the person wasn't actually the bully. I think it takes guts and class to forgive people who are bullies. It's good and kind to forgive friends who stood by and did nothing.
ReplyDeleteAs for not raising a bystander, I am going to teach my kids not to stand by if their friends are bullied. I will not encourage them to do anything if people they don't know so well are bullied. I don't want my child to get beat up or become a social pariah to defend a kid they don't even know. Plus, I think bullied kids need to be taught to fight for themselves - something else I will teach my kids.
Thank you so much for your comments. It is important to teach kids to speak up if they see something, but it doesn't always mean spacing up to the bully. Sometimes, it means telling someone with the power to stop it. And I agree, teaching kids to fight for themselves is key. I was not that kid...I did not have those skills. I wish I did. I do now. :-) Thanks again.
DeleteLots of truth here. God bless. Linda
ReplyDeleteThank you, Linda. :-)
DeleteThis is beautiful. What a wonderful message to receive from someone, and what a wonderful thing that she is remedying things by teaching the next generation to be better.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lara. She's doing a great thing. It is important to teach kids to speak up if they see something, but that doesn't always mean speaking up to the bully. Sometimes, it means telling someone with the power to stop it.
DeleteI am so glad college worked out for you the way that it did. Thank you for sharing these beautiful thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Susan. College was a lifesaver in so many ways. Thank you for your kind support. :-)
DeleteFantastic viewpoint!!! I have tried to teach my children not to be bystanders either. I was never a bystander though. I can think of atleast two occassions where I got in trouble for involving myself to take up for someone else. I had a lot of issues at home though. I never really came into myself until I turned 30. Before that I felt awkward and like people my age just didn't get me. I felt totally out of place. Even though I took up for those being bullied I didn't connect with many people in school. My Dad passed away when I was in High School and before that I had dealt with a lot of "adult" issues. So I always felt older than I really was. So I completely get what you mean. I am so glad that I finally understand who I am.
ReplyDeleteThank you! It is important to teach kids to speak up if they see something, but it doesn't always mean speaking up to the bully. Sometimes, it means telling someone with the power to stop it. I'm so glad you found your voice as well. :-) Thanks, again.
DeleteLovely post Kelly. Thanks for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ali. :-)
DeleteThat was really kind of her to reach out and to teach her children to be different. Sorry that you were bullied. It is not for them that you forgive but for yourself. Glad you were able to find your voice.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kerry. It is important to teach kids to speak up if they see something, but it doesn't always mean speaking up to the bully. Sometimes, it means telling someone with the power to stop it. She's doing a great job. :-) Thanks, again. I am too. Life gets better. Have a great weekend!
Delete5 attractive, fit, athletic, and pretty much well-liked kids in my family, and no one, no one, ever sought to hurt another. If it were ever done by accident, it was followed by sincere apology. My parents, the best thing they ever did was to never permit speaking ill of others in the household, or the dinner table, and if it came up there was a looooong walk a mile in my shoes discussion. It was all about respect. This holds true with my siblings today and it is what I am most proud of them, their sincerity, kindness, and tolerance.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, today, raising an athlete in this day and age, there are many ill behaved parents, fostering ill behaved children on fields, ugly experiences. The good part is only the best make it to play in college, and each of those players is the best from their respective parts, equaling it out. And yes, I am gradually making peace with some of those parents whom though I nor my daughter have ever had words, but whose actions took the joy and fun out of experiences and caused anxiety. Just FYI: 99.9 percent of the worst behaved really never even make it to college play.
Peggy, you're so right. It comes down to respect. From respect grows kindness, tolerance and sincerity. As a middle school teacher, I see the bullying resurface daily. The bully usually is wounded herself (sadly, in most cases) or himself, but it doesn't make it easier for the target, because you're right...in addition to the mental anguish that accompanies the bullying, some lose joy for activities or places they once considered safe.
DeleteIt sounds like you were taught well and passed it on, and your children will as well. :-) Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Thank you so much for the opportunity to link up. :-)
ReplyDelete