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Monday, November 11, 2013

The Final Exam...A Look at the Finality of Infertility

When it comes to school, there's not a lot of gray area to a test. You pass or you fail.

When it comes to medical tests, occasionally, depending on the test, there can be some can get a false negative or a false positive, and then deal with the angst that comes with all of that nonsense.

But in matters of the uterus, or at least in my case with my uterus, there is simply no gray area. It's a pass or fail situation.

I'm a good student. I study like a trooper. When it comes to my biology, I knew my body signs. I ate fertility boosting foods and I had indicators to alert me of ovulation. I understood timing and the importance of good physical health for peak fertile opportunities.

But none of that mattered.

I have bad eggs. Premature ovarian failure. Premature menopause. However you spin it, it results in the same...a Big. Fat. Negative.

Nevertheless, I held onto hope like it was my job. I prayed. I wished on stars, tumbling eyelashes, 11:11s and Thanksgiving wishbones. And month after month, I bought more tests...hopeful that my blood work, doctors, specialists and reproductive endocrinologists were wrong.

But they never were wrong.

So, I no longer buy the tests, but I do have one left.

It's buried under our sink, in a makeup bag that I never use. It's out of sight, but I know it's there. It flashes like a beacon in my brain and in my heart whenever I get a twinge in my ovary or when I am feeling overly sensitive, physically or emotionally. It's the what if that is the stuff of Lifetime movies and downward spirals.

It's a test I may never take.

On one hand, it's closure. The test will be used, I will have my negative, and the door will be closed.

On the other hand, no one likes to fail. Even if you wanted a negative, a positive result would be a significant failure, with a less than pleasing result. It's all a matter of perspective.

And then there's that hope thing...the stuff of Facebook philosophers and Pinterest feel-good pinners.

Giving up is a bitter pill to swallow. Our society frowns on quitters. But at some point, when quitting is in your best interest emotionally or otherwise, you have to let go of what you planned in favor of what can be. In full disclosure, I saw that on Pinterest...feel good pinner here.

So my final exam is just that. It is a final.

Whether I take it the next time I think I am experiencing questionable symptoms, and get my negative result, or whether I exempt myself and eventually find the courage to simply throw it away, time and my heart's own healing will tell. 

In the meantime, it's back to feel good pinning and Facebook philosophizing about all the good things that await me. 

And they will.

This big fat negative may lead to the biggest, fattest positive I never knew I always wanted.


  1. Best of luck on your journey. It is not easy, but maybe remember that quitting is loving yourself enough to get your life back. Good luck with NaBloPoMo.

    1. Thanks, step forward, two back. Thanks so much for your visit and your well wishes.

  2. This absolutely broke my heart, and brought tears to my eyes. One of my dear friends is trying to have a baby. She was in an accident a few years ago that almost killed her, crushed her pelvis and split her vagina in half. No exaggeration. She's terrified that even though the doctors say she should be able to have a baby that they missed something. It breaks my heart as she gets her hopes up each month, and then has them crushed when she gets her period. I wish you the best on your journey, whatever your destination. I pray you find joy and contentment.

    1. Suheiry, I'm so sorry for your friend's experience. It's a difficult journey, especially, when this is something you've wanted your entire life. Thank you so much for your visit and for your kind words. They mean a lot. Prayers and light for your friend on her journey as well. Thanks again.

  3. A positive way to look at the issue of infertility. That there may be something even better waiting on the other side that you never knew you wanted, or even needed. As bad as it may sound, I kind of dread the day my fiance and I start trying for kids. Being told 11 years ago that I may never have kids has stuck with me. Actually, I'm pretty well scared like no other. The fear of rejection. Good luck with your venture through this final, my thoughts are with you.

    1. Thank you so much for your feedback. Putting a positive spin on it is a matter of one wants to be sad forever. It's a process. You make ground and then an emotional landmine blows you to bits. But you keep moving forward. Thank you again for your feedback and well wishes. They mean a lot. And good luck on your journey. :-)

  4. Stopping by from Northeast Bloggers Network. Thank you for sharing something so personal. This will definitely help someone going through a similar situation. I love that quote by Joseph Campbell. I have never seen it before.

  5. It's refreshing to see people put that positive spin. Though a sad situation, it's important to be able to look forward. I hope something magical happens for you. Visiting from the Northeast Bloggers weekend wander hop.