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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Infertility...Landmines Lurking Around Every Text

A friend of mine is pregnant. I'm happy for her. She and her husband are amply blessed. And, in my own life, so am I.

But my heart hurts. And tonight, a little bit more.

As I mentioned in earlier posts, I am infertile...early menopause...bad eggs...ovarian failure...a perfect storm leading to a state of complete barrenness. Most of the time, I'm fine. But other times, like tonight...not so much.

Being childless by chance is much different than being childfree by choice. When you have no choice, you make the best of it and you live your life fully and with joyful intent.

But occasionally, you hit a landmine that blasts your heart to shreds.

And the landmine I hit was in the form of a text.

My life is good. I, too, am amply blessed. But the unmet need and desire to be a mom is a sore that never quite heals. It may scab over, but it's just a text message, a phone call, a day at the mall away from bleeding out, yet again.

Tomorrow is a new day. And my life will still be good.

But tonight, I need to crawl into bed and snuggle a bit tighter into my husband's embrace and hope that our love will always be enough of a salve to help that wound heal, once and for all.  


  1. dear Kelly,
    I know. You can be almost completely fine, but then a news like this appear and the world is black.
    But tomorrow will come. And sun will come shine again.
    For today: a big warm hug for you, from Europe.
    lots of love.

    1. Dear Klara,
      Thank you for your comments...I know that you know. And you understand. I follow your journey and gain strength from yours. Blessings to you in Europe, my friend. One day at a time.

  2. Kelly,
    I know, too. The strange thing is that the feelings never go away. I got my "miracle" after a 3 year struggle but I'm still instantly transported back to that place when someone announces a pregnancy. I hope that tomorrow is a better day.

    1. Melissa, thank you so much for you comment and congratulations on your miracle. It's one step forward, two steps back. Thank you again.

  3. Thank you for sharing your story, Kelly. It's such a wonderful thing that we have this avenue to share and write about how we are feeling and what we experience. To receive support from others who have been through is an absolute blessing. For me, as someone just beginning this journey, it is amazing to read about other women having the same thoughts as I do. And it is nice to have pre-warning of things that I am bound to go through. I am grateful to know we are not alone.

    1. Annie, thank you so much for your comments. Sometimes knowing we're not alone is the only comfort. One day at a's a journey. Continue reaching out. We understand. <3