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Friday, January 4, 2013

Talking about Infertility: Where does the love go?

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am barren . . .as in the Biblical sense. My body will never bear life and my husband and I will never be parents. I don't know if it's the fact that my world suddenly seems saturated with pregnant friends, co-workers and acquaintances, or whether it's the aftermath of the holiday mine field, but these days, I have been overwhelmed with feelings of emptiness. I know in my head what is true and what is a reality, but these days my mind is wondering, where does the love go?

Where does the love go for a child I never met? A child I never felt . . .well, outside of my heart anyway?

Where does the need to love go? The need to nurture, to hold, to comfort?

It's funny because all of a sudden, a litter of puppies (1/2 golden labs, 1/2 golden retrievers) have been born and will soon ready for adoption. I am crumbling with the need to take one of these pups and love this little fur-baby. But my husband sees only the responsibility of pet parenthood and the conundrum of what to do with the dog when we travel. It's a valid concern.

But my heart is imploding. This love that I have that I cannot express feels like it's breaking me. Where will this love go? Will it dry up? Fizzle out? I have a difficult time thinking this could ever be a good thing.

For those who understand, how do you move past it? Is it just a phase? Is it simply part of the grieving process? Where does the love go?


  1. dear Kelly,
    I am the proud owner of German Shephard, the Wolf.
    We took him when he was just a puppy, 7 weeks old. Now he is already 5 years old.
    One thing I can say - I am really not sure how I would survive my infertility without the Wolf.
    He takes so much of my free time. I love long walks on fresh air - it does wonders for my broken sooul!

    So - if you feel that one puppy is meant to be yours - just go for it!

    Yes, it is a huge responsibility.
    There are always good hotels for dogs for the time when you travel.

    Can't wait to see a photo of your new fur love :)

  2. Your post tugged at me. I have no children. I lost my hubby early in our marriage and so we didn't have any. The cancer became all that I could deal with and some times wish we could have had them before he got sick, but it was't in the cards for us, and when I think back, I am not sure if I could have taken care of him and a small child as I was so grief stricken. I feel like the love I have in my heart for kids is shared with my nieces and nephews (have 10 of them under age 12). I pour myself into being the best auntie I can be. I had a cat for 13 years and she was my fur baby for sure. I was a girl scout leader for years as well as I like to share time with children that way. All the best to you.....

  3. Ruby is my fur baby. She's just on 6 months old and is the cutest fluffiest little thing you ever did see. I used to have a Pitbull and a Staffy but both of them died within 2 month of each other early last year.

    We really weren't considering another dog but honestly, if we hadn't of had Ruby I'm not sure I would have gotten through losing my previous two [we got Ruby 1.5 months after my Pitty died but two weeks before my Staffy died - his death was COMPLETELY unexpected].

    I say buy one. If you can't take your pet with you when you travel, then you find somewhere either for them to stay or someone to look after them!

  4. From what you have written, I believe a fur baby would do you the world of good!


  5. I feel what you are feeling and have for years ............10 years ago a little pup came into our life by our outisde dog, Champion was crippled from birth, taking Champion to the vet weekly for the first eleven weeks of his life to try and striaghten his paw , he became our I will never have a dog in my house dog, I feel in love with this snow white pup he loves us unconditional, and he is so happy to see me when I walk in from work. he is our bed buddy, our baby , the only thing is traveling with him, I dont do this we have had house sitters for him
    this Jan 31 he will be 10 ...ten years of love and cuddling with this fur ball he is so sweet ....................a perfect love he expeects nothing but love .............