When it comes to school, there's not a lot of gray area to a test. You pass or you fail.
When it comes to medical tests, occasionally, depending on the test, there can be some ambiguity...you can get a false negative or a false positive, and then deal with the angst that comes with all of that nonsense.
But in matters of the uterus, or at least in my case with my uterus, there is simply no gray area. It's a pass or fail situation.
I'm a good student. I study like a trooper. When it comes to my biology, I knew my body signs. I ate fertility boosting foods and I had indicators to alert me of ovulation. I understood timing and the importance of good physical health for peak fertile opportunities.
But none of that mattered.
I have bad eggs. Premature ovarian failure. Premature menopause. However you spin it, it results in the same...a Big. Fat. Negative.
Nevertheless, I held onto hope like it was my job. I prayed. I wished on stars, tumbling eyelashes, 11:11s and Thanksgiving wishbones. And month after month, I bought more tests...hopeful that my blood work, doctors, specialists and reproductive endocrinologists were wrong.
But they never were wrong.
So, I no longer buy the tests, but I do have one left.
It's buried under our sink, in a makeup bag that I never use. It's out of sight, but I know it's there. It flashes like a beacon in my brain and in my heart whenever I get a twinge in my ovary or when I am feeling overly sensitive, physically or emotionally. It's the what if that is the stuff of Lifetime movies and downward spirals.
It's a test I may never take.
On one hand, it's closure. The test will be used, I will have my negative, and the door will be closed.
On the other hand, no one likes to fail. Even if you wanted a negative, a positive result would be a significant failure, with a less than pleasing result. It's all a matter of perspective.
And then there's that hope thing...the stuff of Facebook philosophers and Pinterest feel-good pinners.
Giving up is a bitter pill to swallow. Our society frowns on quitters. But at some point, when quitting is in your best interest emotionally or otherwise, you have to let go of what you planned in favor of what can be. In full disclosure, I saw that on Pinterest...feel good pinner here.
So my final exam is just that. It is a final.
Whether I take it the next time I think I am experiencing questionable symptoms, and get my negative result, or whether I exempt myself and eventually find the courage to simply throw it away, time and my heart's own healing will tell.
In the meantime, it's back to feel good pinning and Facebook philosophizing about all the good things that await me.
And they will.
This big fat negative may lead to the biggest, fattest positive I never knew I always wanted.