As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am barren . . .as in the Biblical sense. My body will never bear life and my husband and I will never be parents. I don't know if it's the fact that my world suddenly seems saturated with pregnant friends, co-workers and acquaintances, or whether it's the aftermath of the holiday mine field, but these days, I have been overwhelmed with feelings of emptiness. I know in my head what is true and what is a reality, but these days my mind is wondering, where does the love go?
Where does the love go for a child I never met? A child I never felt . . .well, outside of my heart anyway?
Where does the need to love go? The need to nurture, to hold, to comfort?
It's funny because all of a sudden, a litter of puppies (1/2 golden labs, 1/2 golden retrievers) have been born and will soon ready for adoption. I am crumbling with the need to take one of these pups and love this little fur-baby. But my husband sees only the responsibility of pet parenthood and the conundrum of what to do with the dog when we travel. It's a valid concern.
But my heart is imploding. This love that I have that I cannot express feels like it's breaking me. Where will this love go? Will it dry up? Fizzle out? I have a difficult time thinking this could ever be a good thing.
For those who understand, how do you move past it? Is it just a phase? Is it simply part of the grieving process? Where does the love go?